Renewing in New Mexico

I am excited.... I have a plan!  My time in Denver has been slow and has felt very introspective and almost stagnant.  But I think it was an important resting period for what is to come.  I plan on leaving in a week to head to Chicago - I found a ride there for only $25!  I will spend a few days there with my friend Patricia, and then together we will journey to New Mexico together!  This is very exciting for both of us, because we have both, for a long while, been wanting to explore New Mexico.  I just realized while writing this the significance of returning to that state...it is the place that solidified my love of the outdoors, and the place where I began as a trailworker.  During college I took a trip to New Mexico with a group of volunteers.  We hiked into the backcountry for a week, and I had one of the most mind-blowing and eye-opening opportunities of my life.  To be out there in the wilderness, with no comforts of modern life - no technology, bathing in the river, pooping in a hole - it was my first backcountry experience, and it was just amazing to me.  We also visited some local hot springs, spent a day in Santa Fe, and saw the Gila cliff dwellings.  After returning home from that trip, for the next few years, I would cite that week in the backcountry as the best week of my life.  That trip led me to find trailwork closer to home - volunteering at Ridley Creek State Park once a month.  And ultimately this led me to the SCA, the great organization I have now worked for many times, the organization where I got my real start as a professional trailworker.

So the return to New Mexico is symbolic - and I think it may be the start of a new direction as well.  While I am there, I hope to work on organic farms through WWOOF (wwoofusa.org), and also to reconnect with the visual arts.  My friend Patricia is heading to New Mexico mainly to study pottery, and I hope to learn more about this and about the arts in the southwest in general.  I have been drawn to the Sante Fe area, particularly to Taos, for a long while, mainly because Julia Cameron was there while writing her book that changed my life so dramatically: The Artist's Way.  In many ways the state is tied to the major transformations in my life - to my path of finding fulfilling work and finding real meaning and joy in my life.  To renewing my life.

Saying no to something is saying yes to something else.

I just turned down an awesome position in southern California doing desert restoration work for the next two months, because I thought it was more important to give my body and mind a rest, do some traveling, and recenter myself.  In a way, by saying "no" to the thing that seems on the outside to be the right answer, I'm saying yes to myself - to what I TRULY want in my life in this moment.  This was a very hard decision, but it was something I knew in my heart to be right - still, though, there is that little sting of regret, of "what if?"  But now I will know a different experience - I will know what it is like to say yes to myself.  And I will take this time and this opportunity to create something truly memorable - to create real growth and progress in my life, apart from trail work (which has been my life for the past year and a half).  And hopefully in a few months I will return to trail work as a project leader, rejuvenated and with a new perspective.

Let's try this Blog thing again.

I actually have a lot to write about. And a friend has nudged me to start a Blog about my adventures. So, here we go.

I am about to transition to a new gig, which leaves me in a reflective mood. Taking stock of the past 3 months, these are the changes I noticed -

My body has changed a lot. I'm much stronger. I actually have calf muscles now, tapering down to thin ankles. These are substantial legs - the legs of a hiker! And I am proud of them, because I earned them. They are a sign of all the hard work I've been doing - of my 3 months of trail work, my climb up Mount Whitney, and my numerous round-trip hikes to Horseshoe Canyon. My back is stronger and more muscular, as are my arms, although not as strong as they were after I just finished my trails gig. I am eager to get back to trail work and get my upper body strength back. (Hopefully this will happen in January, if I get the trails position in Southern California that I applied for...)

One thing I've realized is that I feel much, much better when I'm moving my body a lot. It seems a bit paradoxical, but from another perspective it also makes sense, that when I do a lot physically, I want to move more and more. For example, the days at the park when I just sit in the Ranger Station at the computer, I feel lazy and deengerized when I go home, and have to drag myself to workout if I do it at all. But the days when I do the 7 mile hike to the Great Gallery and back, I feel amazing, and slide easily into yoga poses with my aching muscles craving some delicious stretch.

This brings me to another realization - my yoga practice has been inextricably weaved into my life, and I don't have to fear losing it. I began my career as a yoga instructor only about 4 months before transitioning to trail work. The teaching of yoga was a transformational thing for me. I grew up a "shy girl." Choosing a career that involved standing in front of a room talking to groups of people - instructing these people, telling them what to do with their bodies - is not something I thought I would ever choose. Placing myself in the position of authority, implying that I have something valuable to teach.  And it was only through facing this fear and doing the thing I thought I could not do, that I learned this. Through teaching, not only did I gain confidence and become stronger mentally, and reinforce my positive beliefs about life and spirituality to myself as I taught them to others, but I also grew much more physically strong. In teaching, I demonstrated the entire flow series as I taught it. This is the only way that worked for me. I improvised my classes in the moment, and could only construct a cohenrent, flowing class by doing the postures myself as I taught them. In this way, teaching became a meditation, an excercise in multitasking, and a major strength builder as I worked to project my voice while demonstrating challenging poses at the same time, trying to maintain a controlled, yogic breath throughout.

Well, without having that commitment to teach, my yoga practice waned. And being on trail crew left me so exhausted at the end of day that maintaining a serious asana practice was out of the question for me. However, I did do a lot of yoga-inspired stretching, which helped me to stay injury-free. And now that I have my own apartment, I find that even practicing for 10 minutes can have a big effect on my mood. I've also noticed how easily I slip into Ujjayi breath without even thinking about it - it just happens naturally as I stretch.

I've realized more of what all this work in the outdoors is about for me. It's about getting in tune with nature and being comfortable living in the outdoors, learning the rythyms of nature and her power. It's about getting into the body, using it to create, and learning my own strength. It's about learning how to live in community.

I named this blog "Wearing Hats" because I feel like I have so many roles in this life... and that I will try on many hats (both literal and metaphoric) before I settle down anywhere (if I ever settle down at all). For now, my hat is a winter beanie as I brave the cold snow of Southeast Utah. A few weeks ago, it was a National Park Service baseball cap, part of my official uniform. And this summer, it was the yellow SCA hard hat required on trail crew. Oh, plus a sun-bonnet that was indespensible for sun protection during those long hikes. Before that, there were no literal hats involved, but several roles - that of a yoga instructor, a children's tutor, and an engineer. An energy-healer. An aspiring artist, a timid and as yet inexperienced musician, a dancer, a chef, a gardener, a writer.

I'm realizing more and more that not only is it possible to be all of these things, but it is actually quite exciting. I don't imagine that I will be bored in this life anytime soon.

Wearing hats...

as in, trying things out. being in a different role at different moments. student, teacher...expert, novice... optimist, pessimist.... that sort of thing.